“Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. Punish them with the rod and save them from death. My son, if your heart is wise, then my heart will be glad; indeed, my inmost being will rejoice when your lips speak what is right.
Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. Listen, my son, and be wise, and set your heart on the right path” (Proverbs 23:13-19).
The passage combines the rod and rich persuasion. King Solomon weds extensive communication with the rod. Both are essential and critical for child-rearing. Together, they form a God-pleasing, spiritually satisfying, cohesive and unified approach to discipline, correction, and training of children.
The use of the rod preserves biblically rooted parental authority. God has given parents authority by calling them to act as his agent to child-rearing.
The emphasis on rich communication prohibits cold, tyrannical discipline. It provides a context for honest communication in which the child can be known and learn to know himself. The rod and rich communication must always be used together in the actual shepherding of children.
Communication is not about telling our children what to do. Our children have dreams and wishes. Our aim is to listen and help our children articulate their dreams and wishes. One key element is to listen to your child. Proverbs 18:2 speak to this issue with penetrating insight: “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” Proverbs 18:13 “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame. “ The finest art of communication is not about expressing your thoughts. Rather it is in the ability to draw out the thought of another. Our aim in communication is to understand our child and not simply to have your child understand you.
Our objective in correction must not be to tell your children how you feel about what they have done or said. You must try to understand what is going on inside your child. For it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks. You must engage your child to understand what is going on inside.
What is important in correction is not expressing your feelings, anger or hurt. It is, rather, understanding the nature of the struggle your child is having. What is important is understanding the “why” of what has been done or said. You need to understand not just what has happened, but what is going on within your child. Remember, it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks. Your question in correction is this: what is the specific content of the abundance of his heart in this circumstance? What was the temptation? What was his response to that temptation? If you can understand and help your child understand these things, you will be on your way to understanding the “why” of what has transpired. What you must do is peel away the behaviour and discern the inner world of your child. While you can never understand the issues of the heart flawlessly, it is a pursuit worthy of the effort.
The end result of our communication is to understand the underlying issues of the heart which bring forth the behaviour of our child. By addressing the heart issues, we would then be able to raise well-adjusted and successful children.